I work in a Hospital, I work as a male nurse.
When I first began my journy to help people, to really help people, it was more like a romantic dream which I lived, today, its like 6 Months ago, I see alot of things clearer, maybe wiser than before. Forget about the dramatic shit of Emergency Room or Chicago Hope, forget about House M.D. reality couldnt be futher away.
I saw things, I couldnt even imagine, theres no dramtic music playing at your final seconds, theres no nice thoughts or heroism, you know what most people say? - Most people are afraid of dying, most people cry, most people beg and pray to you to save them, to help them keep on living their lives, even if theres no cure for them, even if they know, they keep on. I just started my apprenticeship and i grew thoughtful beyond my limits of imagination. Its not that I cant live with it, its more like being reflective on life and living itself.
Somtimes when I close my eyes, I see the Patients who died.I did things which Iam not proud of, I cant tell you any more than beyond this point because I have a professional discretion but my conscience haunts me for what I did.
Sometimes I try to say to myself that it was for the good of the patient or ffs for greater good. But it wont give a shit about. It wont change the past. 6Months before, i wouldve told you that the past counts, but still wouldnt make a big impact on your todays live. Today my thinking is different, I know I have to live with the things I saw, and further, with the things I did to 'help'.
I know you can't understand what I just told you, but I thank you for your reading, because you just read my very soul.
I know you will never be able to understand what I say, because you werent there, because you dont do what I do, but lemme tell you, Im more grateful, and more awestruck of life than ever. Its a gift, you know? Live every Day as it would be your last, but remeber.. what you do in life, echoes in eternity.
Listening to: The Shawshank Redemption - Compass and Guns